Why does everything remind me of her...

- Watched a movie at PS... remembered of the time we watched the Italian foreign film... our first date after we started going out...

I started getting increasingly affected then...

Walked down to MOS...
I couldn't go in... I couldn't bring myself...

I peeped at her house on the way home...
her room light was on... It felt good to know that she was home resting...

is this the curse of trying to remember... and succeeding?

and why should I care?

Why am I so affected today?

I guess the song I just posted got to me.... I felt that it spoke my heart...

Didn't help that LQ and ZL were asking me about stuff...
LQ actually said something like "if you're only together for so long... Why did you fall so hard..."

I guess... I love her... though now its mostly residual... I still worry about her...

People out there... do pray for me when you get a chance...
for me to find direction in life...
and that I'd keep my eyes on Him...

My Heart Really Injured

我真的受伤了

窗外阴天了
音乐低声了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
我的心真的受伤了

Baby... how are you?

I was alittle worried when you said that you lost 4kg... are you partying too hard? do take care of yourself...

I'm losing alittle weight too... but I'm getting along... I'm used to being skinny...

you know... it hurts me when you doubt if i really sent you the wrong message... because it really was an honest mistake... but say what you must because it can only push me further away from you...

truth being... I missed you... and I kinda felt that you missed me too... that you told me about moving to HK (sounded like you wanted to just to be with Ed... almost in spite...) but its okay... I tried my best with you... even if I was too domestic... even if I did try to spend as much time as I possibly could muster to spend with you... it really doesn't matter... All in all I really had a lot of fun with you...

I just pray that you'd never ever look back as I will not be here much longer... because I cannot bear to be here much longer... it hurts too much... to see you waste you life away in jumping around in a club... getting cozy with some random guy you've just met... I cannot handle that kinda situations anymore...

I've realised that that's where you feel alive... that's where you find your worth... but unfortunately... I am not you... and do not feel the same in any ways... I watch the sunset and wait for the sunrise... the simple things that you've tried to understand and appreciate but cannot...

I loved you... and I believe that you've loved me too... unfortunately... the love just wasn't enough... I thank you for trying... I thank you for spending a year of your life with me... I enjoyed every moment with you... throughly...

and now with my very best I set you free...

and along the way... when you are ready...

I wish you love... beyond your wildest dreams...

and joy ever after...

No Me Ames...

picked up stuff from her place..

pretty uneventful...

towards the end... I saw some longing in her eyes...

No me ames baby.... no me ames...

A bade farewell with good wishes...

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss
But more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all
When snowflakes fall
I wish you love

180307

Louie baby,

I woke up seeing you asking people out to a VS show...

I asked myself if I had ever stopped you from going out... Directly or indirectly... I personally don't believe I did... But did you overeact and cut off all club activities because of that something i had said... Thus restricting yourself and inadvertently resenting me for 'restricting' you?

So now when you go chiong... Do you chiong to remember or to forget?

I dreamt of you again, I saw you wake up... you looked so cute!
Then I realised that you woke up with someone else...
I was devastated...

Babe... Maybe we're really not meant to be... I really can't remember a moment that we shared doing something that we really enjoyed together... I just remember the sweet moments...

Like how we spent your birthday together... Hatchi for dinner, then Champagne, strawberries & jellyhearts... Then Iggy's the next day...

Baby... I still miss you...
But I think I'm getting over you soon...

Louie baby...

I woke up thinking about you... so I'd thought that I'd drop you a line. I wanted to know how you're doing recently.

It's been a while since we last talked. I hope you're doing fine. Has work still been really busy? Please take care of yourself and don't over work yea? Oh yes... don't over party too okay.... =)

I've been alright... It's been kinda of werid trying to pass time without having you around, but I'm getting by... I really miss you still though... I miss holding you... the way your hair smells... the pouty look you have when you first get up in the morning...

I can hear something going on in Bishan park... hope it isn't bothering you too much... I remember how much it bothered you when it last happened about a couple of months back...

I miss you baby...
I still love you baby...
Though I'm desperately trying to let you go...

In the desert you can remember your name...
cause there aint no one for to give you no pain...

Just finished reading this book about the ethnic tribes in Borneo.

I think... Along the way of my travels (that I hope to begin soon), I think I'd like to walk the jungle trails to some of these (hopefully still untouched) tribes.

Current plan
- try out pte nursing part time for a few months & try to make a living out of it
- go full-time Pte Nursing.
- earn a stash of $30,000 savings
- earn another stash of $20,000
- travel months at a go
- come back to maintain nursing certification

I really admire the ang-mo travellers who just pack up & leave. They still have a home and all. I think I'll be able to handle the lifestyle... Just as long as I don't get myself attatched... =)

I think it's right about time that I take control of my life and choose. Come to think of it, I probably will not take up the renal transplant co-ordinator.

*I'm sure I'm going to look back at this post soon and laugh about it.. but for now I think that it's something that I have to do.*

I love Lou... I know I shouldn't but I still do...

Just lying in bed brings me back to memories that keep me holding on to a relationship that is non-existant. It's silly and stupid I know... I am trying to convince myself that everyday...

I tried my best. I made time for her, I did housework so that she needn't come home from work to have to do more housework... I'd get her favourite meals prepared so that dinner would be fulfilling... Then head to bed early so that she'd get the rest she needed for the next day...
*in retrospect... I sound like a f*ck'in housewife don't I?*

I guess that I'm frustrated because I felt that I did my very best... bent over backwards to accomodate her...
(trust me she isn't all that easy to live with... though I'm not complaining though...)

I'm find myself thinking if I did anything wrong...
- so far I've only concluded that I overwhelmed her as I spent too much time with her...
-I also find myself asking if that is enough to push a partner away...

If I was to re-think my perspectives on love and life...
- currently I have this mindset on relationships as if you work towards a common goal to stay together... nothing can really not be worked out... that when two ppl come together, it takes a lot of compromise and then the union brings the couple in closer than before...

okok... more later... need to rush out for drinks...

Kuching was a decent place to be in...
Singgahsana was a lifesaver... Don't think I'd have survived that many days if not for the excellent staff and people that I met there...

I was quite affected on the first day that I was there... I remember that I made a phone call to her... was regarding her friend getting married in Melbourne, we were supposed to go... but it was cancelled when she couldn't confirm her leave...

Anyways... the next few days I felt loads better after talking to AM... I found myself reminding myself that she didn't care for me enough... that we didn't have enough in common... that we probably just didn't belong...

in retrospect, I guess I did bend over backwards a little for her... but then again... some of those were things that I did, I probably would have done myself anyways...
*I've been to some phenomenal restaurants over the last year... heh...

I guess I found myself really down today when I got up because I suddenly remembered the times when she'd call me and we would head out for dinner before my night shifts... and then we'd talk alittle more when I got to work...

I still remember how happy I was...
It was hard to try not to smile...

Guess I do miss her alittle...
Deep down inside I hope she does too...
But I don't allow myself to think it too much...
if not at all...

I'm sure this pain will all pass...
and I'll be a happy person again...

Here I am... decided to fly away for a while... but I seem to find my mind wandering to think about Lou.

I called her to remind her that it's Dale's wedding this Saturday... It was just an excuse really... I just wanted to her from her... as I've told AM... a little bit of me wants to believe that all this is just a bad dream and I'll be waking up again with her in my arms again soon... wishful thinking at best...

I know that I've done the sums and it all adds up that she's not good for me... Why I am so hung on? I dunno... I was so distraught when I realised that after this phonecall... we would share nothing in common anymore...

It's all in the anticipation of loss future good times that really gets to me... Initially we were supposed to go to melbourne... then that was cancelled... we had a good time over her birthday... christmas and new years... is a relationship in this day and age so fragile that it fractures and shatters in a matter of weeks??

Maybe I fell in love too soon... Maybe I fell too deep... Maybe she was just the wrong person from the very beginning...

Well she didn't understand the way I travelled... in fact in retrospect... she disrespected me a lot... when i shared about the boat ppl in Mabul, she retorted that she knew... that she lived in Mauritius she's seen all these things...

AM just pointed out a fact... if she really cared... she would have stayed to try to work things out... the fact is that even if she cared... she didn't care enough... at least not enough to hang around for the rest of the stuff... I dunno... deep inside I wish her the best... somehow I think she may not find a person to match up to what she's really looking for in a partner...