What one does, when one has an inability to sleep...

1. Think about salsa dancing in a club full of semi-attractive gyrating people... *

2. Read one's book on a Japanese man whose wife just left him and just came out of a well, in which he spent 2days in contemplating life in general. Well, when he did come out of the well he woke up to a young medium whom he had sex with the following day... Then he decided that he wanted his wife back...

3. Ponder over one's life...

a) Am I earning enough?

b) Am I being childish in believing that by doing what I enjoy in life... It'll be enough... That one day I'll meet my princess whom I will fall in love with and she will fall in love with me and we will live life happily ever after??

c) Will my princess mind that I'm only a stupid nurse who only earns less than 2grand a month? Will it matter?

d) I think that I don't challenge myself enough. I've been living a cushy life so far. My parents have made sure that I've gotten everything that I'd have wanted in my life. And when they stopped providing, I suddenly realized that I could already do that for myself... and that's what I've been doing... all the toys that I want... maybe I'm getting things a little too easy... maybe I need a little more pain and longing to grow... **

e) I've been thinking of joining MSF. Maybe to uproot myself a little. I'm afraid that I'm just trying to escape reality again... part of me wants to go to a war zone... and if I get killed... so be it... at least I'll be helping people who need it a little more than here... oh and then I'd conveniently have no more worries on what to do for the rest of my life...

f) I'm thinking of getting braces. I've been thinking for a long time now. I just thought that if I went on missions with MSF, then it wouldn't really matter... or on the other hand... I don't think I'd meet an orthodontist in a third world country to 'tighten' me up every month.

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Think I'll conclude here...
feel a need for induced tachycardia and major diphoresis...

Mark out.

* note : I find girls who salsa well very attractive... maybe it's the confidence that exudes from a girl... something that I don't seem to see enough of from people around me...
** Probably part of the reason why I want to move out. (Grandma bullshit aside.)

Tunnel visioned with a skewed perspective.

Muted - A Definition.

Everyone has their own pains... sometimes its about war, or being in one... sometimes it's about exams, or studying to much for one... sometimes its about love, or lack thereof...

Most of the time... all these feelings are just kept inside... in the deepest crevices of one's heart... muted...

I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I have an inability to share. Even to my closest friends. I dare say most people I know don't know me. I don't blame them. I've never allowed them.

I AM A CLOSET PERFECTIONIST
I am a closet perfectionist with tunnel vision. For the things that I can allow myself to see I want to perfect. But in the event that I deem the task imposible, I give up. almost totally.


Why all of this, all of a sudden you may ask... well, I'm trying to open up. Share my feelings with my closest friends. It's really hard though... all the years as a single child has taken it's toll... I'm still trying...

Thank you my dear friends for showing me that I've got issues to handle and for being patient with me. I'll try not to let you down.

** today I'm feeling especially small... its amazing what a little room full of semi-attractive gyrating people can do to a man.**

People with Limps...

May they love us...
And if they don't, may God turn their hearts...
And if He can't turn their hearts...
May He twist their ankles...
So we may know then by their limp...

Touch...

Craving human contact...

not explicit human contact...
NOT sex...

Just touch... holding someone's hands...

a good hug...

cuddling with a friend... as if that ever works out in Singapore...

something...

am I sick, twisted or just plain desperate?!