I lost something...

I've been going through periods of self-reflection these few weeks...
'touching base*' with myself...

So much has been happening, so many opportunities that came with work...
some expected for a few months ago resurfacing to reality...
and some counter offers that have offered me a career vs. a job...
I am seriously confused...
Am I really that sought after?
Am I really that valuable to the organization?
Or just a pawn on the chest set?

I've spent 1.5 years in MICU already...
as part of trying to gain a foothold in ICU...
I've realised that I've sold out...
I've bent over backwards... worn a mask to work everyday...
work became managing my colleagues more then nursing my patients...

Not to mention the relationship I had with lou also took a large piece of me...



* Don't really like this term, but it's been thrown into my face so much recently that I'd thought that I'd try to use it alittle too... =1

Shit...

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm) Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. On paper, most would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach Your exact opposite: The 5-Night Stand

I want an alter-ego...

I want him to love the things I hate... and hate the things I love...
I want him to be un-inhibited, without a care in the world...
saying, doing thinking, whatever, whenever...
I want an anti-thesis of me...

I want a Tyler Durden.

Why does everything remind me of her...

- Watched a movie at PS... remembered of the time we watched the Italian foreign film... our first date after we started going out...

I started getting increasingly affected then...

Walked down to MOS...
I couldn't go in... I couldn't bring myself...

I peeped at her house on the way home...
her room light was on... It felt good to know that she was home resting...

is this the curse of trying to remember... and succeeding?

and why should I care?

Why am I so affected today?

I guess the song I just posted got to me.... I felt that it spoke my heart...

Didn't help that LQ and ZL were asking me about stuff...
LQ actually said something like "if you're only together for so long... Why did you fall so hard..."

I guess... I love her... though now its mostly residual... I still worry about her...

People out there... do pray for me when you get a chance...
for me to find direction in life...
and that I'd keep my eyes on Him...

My Heart Really Injured

我真的受伤了

窗外阴天了
音乐低声了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
我的心真的受伤了

Baby... how are you?

I was alittle worried when you said that you lost 4kg... are you partying too hard? do take care of yourself...

I'm losing alittle weight too... but I'm getting along... I'm used to being skinny...

you know... it hurts me when you doubt if i really sent you the wrong message... because it really was an honest mistake... but say what you must because it can only push me further away from you...

truth being... I missed you... and I kinda felt that you missed me too... that you told me about moving to HK (sounded like you wanted to just to be with Ed... almost in spite...) but its okay... I tried my best with you... even if I was too domestic... even if I did try to spend as much time as I possibly could muster to spend with you... it really doesn't matter... All in all I really had a lot of fun with you...

I just pray that you'd never ever look back as I will not be here much longer... because I cannot bear to be here much longer... it hurts too much... to see you waste you life away in jumping around in a club... getting cozy with some random guy you've just met... I cannot handle that kinda situations anymore...

I've realised that that's where you feel alive... that's where you find your worth... but unfortunately... I am not you... and do not feel the same in any ways... I watch the sunset and wait for the sunrise... the simple things that you've tried to understand and appreciate but cannot...

I loved you... and I believe that you've loved me too... unfortunately... the love just wasn't enough... I thank you for trying... I thank you for spending a year of your life with me... I enjoyed every moment with you... throughly...

and now with my very best I set you free...

and along the way... when you are ready...

I wish you love... beyond your wildest dreams...

and joy ever after...